Friday, September 18, 2015

Our Story

I have debated for a long time if I should share publicly our story. Im fairly private when it comes to personal matters but a lot of close friends and family know our story. I know that I personally would not be the same if certain people in my life, would not have shared their stories about their struggles publicly and openly....they have changed my life, even if the trial is not the same!  I appreciate knowing what they have gone through, I have found comfort in hearing their testimonies and how they allow the atonement to heal them. I think we realize that we can draw on each other's strengths and experiences to become better people as a whole. I think it gives us more opportunities to love.  I KNOW so many out there who have gone through the same thing that I have, and I think about them often.  I hope that by sharing I may help lift someone who is struggling and maybe I might share something that could help. I have found a common ground with people and their trials, they don't have to be the same as mine to have the ability to relate. Our trials give us the ability to FEEL and genuinely want to help carry others burdens. 

Our Story...although long, still in a nutshell ;) 

 Over 10 years ago, I married the love of my life, the best part of me. I imagined we'd be married for a little while and then start having our family. We never prevented ourselves from having kids. We just figured that we would let life happen as it was suppose to. Of course you dream of having your babies and you talk about if one of them will have  your eyes or the Church nose, or some hobby that you do that hopefully they will do to!  After a few years you begin to kinda wonder, "ok, Maybe we should see a Dr." So we did some testing and found out that some hormone levels were off and some other slight complications were there with both of us but nothing that couldn't be fixed. So we continued on...more testing and treatments.  We seemed to get everything in balance with both of us throughout the years....but still no answers. So we tried artificial luck. After years of testing and waiting and then waiting and more waiting and hoping and believing that something may naturally happen, and being told we were one of those "unknown infertility cases" because "there's nothing wrong with either one of us" we were given the opportunity to do invitro. We were blessed with this opportunity by people we know and by anonymous donations and for this we will forever be grateful! There's no way to put into words our appreciation for this gift...the gift of an opportunity, even if it was just to have a chance. Many couples would love to try IVF but will never have funds to do it, I feel very blessed and undeserving.  Being able to do this has given us the answers we've needed to know what we need to do from here.  In 2014 we went through the IVF process. Anyone that has been through that process 1 time knows the emotional roller coaster that it is. There are many shots, many medications that you have to take and many office visits, ultrasounds, blood draws and the egg retrieval surgery. And then the bed rest and the waiting for the answer of "if it worked" and "if your going to become a mother." The first time we did invitro I was blessed to get that phone call that said, "your levels look really good, you are pregnant! You'll need to come in in another week to make sure your levels are rising". What a shocking and exciting miracle to hear those words after almost 9 years! I thought,"this is it! This is how it was suppose to happen!."  I went in for the 7 week appointment and I heard the heartbeat of my sweet baby for the first time in my life! That moment I will never forget! It is burned in my memory forever. Everything looked great! We started planning for our lives to change! At my 9 week appointment is when the fertility center graduates you from their office and you get to go see your regular OB. They give you the last picture of your baby which looks like a little gummy bear and a card with notes from all the staff. So exciting! But It's shocking how everything can change in one moment.  At almost 12 weeks I went in and found my baby's heartbeat had stopped. I've never felt anything so terrible in all my life. It felt like I may never be the same. That was the hardest thing that I've experienced. You have to force yourself to jump back into everyday life and try to be as normal as possible. Time does help, a lot! We had 3 more frozen embryos from the fertility center so we went in for a 2nd round of IVF. You have to repeat the shots the bed get the idea. They transferred 2 embryos. Unsuccessful. At that point you begin to wonder if you will ever have your own children but giving up is not an option. We decided to take the chance again and try for our final embryo(3rd IVF). My levels showed a pregnancy but it didn't make it to the 2nd check. Time passes and life moves on. Family is wonderful and so is our Heavenly Father. I've come to realize so many things about life. We are not guaranteed ANYTHING in this life, except for the fact that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives. He is in the details of our lives and he loves us. I have felt the power of the atonement work in my life in different ways. In ways to take away my sins and then In ways to show me that HE KNOWS how I feel because he has walked my path already and even carried me.  The gospel is amazing. 
We ended up hearing about a Dr who specializes in patients with reoccurring miscarriages, he is the only one in Utah who does this type of thing. We gave him a try. He found out that I have auto immune disorders, my immune system is so over active that it attacks anything foreign in my body(embryos, fetus). He also told me that my risk of heart attack is 3 times greater than someone else my age. This was a little crazy to hear since I feel I have always tried to be so healthy (running, eating right). So I went through another 4 months of treatments. And we finally got my immune system to where it's suppose to be! We decided to do invitro one more time with my now treated body/eggs, the Dr was confident that we'd see different results and that I could carry a baby. As we got into it, I was on the highest dose of FSH (follicle stimulating) hormones he dared put me on, and I wasn't producing the follicles for the eggs that he had hoped. He also found out that my Overian egg reserve is running low(I don't have many eggs left anymore which is strange for a person my age). We asked family to fast and pray for us. I was hoping for just ONE good embryo for just ONE more chance! Well, we ended up with 2 good embryos with retrieving 7 eggs! THIS IS A MIRACLE! (We only had 4 good follicles under ultrasound) We transferred our 2 final embryos. I had complications and bleeding so I thought for sure it didn't work, FOR SURE..... Wasn't planning on it at all!!! I went in for my first pregnacy blood draw and it was positive! POSITIVE!! I DID NOT believe it at all! So extremely surprising....I was in shock.   I went in for my a second blood draw 2 days later to see if my levels were rising, they were! Still couldn't believe it, oh the joy I felt! The word happy seems dull compared to my feelings. "My cup runneth over". Tears of PURE joy. I went in for a blood draw again just before my 6 week ultrasound and my levels dropped, which meant I would miscarry again. The baby stopped growing. Again, Crazy how fast everything can change. It's been an indescribable heartache for sure and I would be lying if I said we weren't completely devastated.  But no matter what happens, I know God loves us, you and me. And there is a reason for each and every struggle we all go through. The heartache and disappointment....there is a purpose behind it all. We may find out one day of those purposes and we may wait until we reach the other side of the veil but all in due time.  I am BEYOND grateful for the true empathy that I have gained to connect with others! People are wonderful! They have pure hearts and they have suffered hard things, and they are amazing! I'm so grateful for my sweet husband in all of this. I will always cherish the sweet tender moments of love and compassion he has shown me.  He is Christlike in every way.   I have a testimony of love and compassion. Love is the greatest power that is on the earth that everyone has access to and it is a natural healer.   And we all have access to Gods love, it's freely given at all times! Just because life may not go the way that we imagined or planned, despite what you think, God loves you and has an even better plan for your life than the one you may have dreamed of, you see, He is your creator and is shaping you right now into who HE needs you to become, because only He knows that. And when we feel like we just cannot go on anymore, he is pleading with us to just hold on a little bit longer.   I'm grateful for the knowledge of the gospel and the plan of salvation. I'm grateful for my sealing in the temple, and for the promised blessings Kade and I will receive by honoring those covenants. I know that when we follow the council of our prophets and honor our temple covenants that no righteous desires will be denied to those who cannot attain them in this life.  We WILL see our loved ones again! We WILL be together forever if we try our best to live worthy! And we WILL live with God one day if we trust him and do his will here on the earth. And we know without a doubt that we will have our precious babies!  Our family was designed in the beginning and I know those children just haven't made their way to our family yet. But it makes me want to search for them, and never give up! 
Even though this journey has been hard it has been wonderful. There's no way to experience the beauty of the top of a mountain without the grueling climb from the bottom. But when you reach that point or when you gain a stronger testimony through trials, and when you can sit still looking out at the beauty that sets before your eyes, and feel the complete peace, it's all worth it. All of our sweat and tears are not in vain.   That's why we are all here! It's been a long road and Im ready to have my family here, whoever those little spirits are and however they are suppose to come to us. Im ready to teach them about our Savior and how much He loves them! Im ready to hold them in  my arms everyday and love them.  :) 
I want to thank EVERYONE who have been so kind to us throughout the years! There have been countless acts of love shown to us, which I will never forget.  We love you all! 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Hunting Season

Well hunting season is upon us, and among all the other crazy things going on in our lives, we manage to go hunting, and it's great! I love hiking around and I especially love seeing elk! Kade did get a shot the other day but it was REALLY far away, but I still got it on video, and it was fun to watch :) 
After all the action died down we decided to play a game of golf.....I won :) 
I LOVE the flowers, can't get over how pretty they are! 
And the sunsets and sunrises in this valley......stunning! We are very BLESSED! 

Monday, June 15, 2015

Our summer so far

 I have been a terrible blogger lately.....I don't have much time these days, and now that girls camp is over things will die down a bit.  But even though things are always busy, summer has been awesome!  I want it to slow down a little bit.  Here are some pics to show what we've been up too :)  Of course lots of horse riding, my life would not be complete without that!
 Daisy has her first litter of pups!  5 beautiful healthy little doggies! :) I just love them!  I love to hold them and snuggle them.  The day they were born was quite the day, we thought we only had 3 but 3 turned into 5! and we thought we had a dead one!  NOPE it was alive! Daisy has been such a good mom!

 We got to go to the Payson temple open house, which I loved!  It is one beautiful temple with exquisite detail! I can't wait to go now that's its dedicated!
 Kades boy trip to the boulder
 We got to kick off the summer parades at Scandinavian Days! Lots of fun, lots of people! Lots of otter pops from Power Plus!

 Got to go see the first test ride ever on Brandons boat that he's been working on with Bo.  Runs like a champ! :)
 I'm going to miss Dallas so much now that he's gone! :(  He just loved coming to see the puppies! He even had us bring 2 puppies up to their house the night before he went into the MTC so he could hold them :)
 We got to do lots of fun things with Dallas before he left.  And we got to go to Lagoon with Power Plus and the family!  It was fun, its been so long since I've been to Lagoon!
 I loved Wicked, well I guess it kinda freaked me out acutally!  :)  We just missed the new ride by a few days, but wicked was pretty awesome.
 So......lots of crazy weather these days!  When I was coming home from youth conference I basically had to slow down to about 30 mph or less because the road was a sheet of ice from hail.  There has been a lot of hail this season! I wondered a few times if my windshield was going to shatter!
 These 3 are the property welcome greeters!  They're quite the trio
The puppies are HUGE! I love their little faces!
 Whitney has been my little summer buddy! We have been doing 4-H together and she is doing so well!  Her skill is improving a lot.  She is catching onto things fast.  She's so fun to have around, she makes my life so much better!
 We've been working hard on horse knowledge and she took 1st place on her test!
 Sarah has also been joining the horse fun! she stared to come with Whitney to her horse lessons so she could learn too.
 I took Whitney to her first horse show and she did awesome! :)  It was so fun to watch her.  I was having flashbacks of when I was a kid!
 Those faces........

We finally moved this little buddy (Ombre) over to the property so we can continue his training more often and so the girls can work with him.  We'll that's our summer so far in a nutshell! :)

Happy Anniversary!

 Our anniversary was on June 4th. Crazy how fast 10 years can go by! It feels like yesterday and it feels like I've been with Kade forever!  Life is good!  With all of the business going on, we managed to take a little time and get away for a couple days.  We went up to Daniels Summit lodge.  It is up in between Heber and Strawberry reservoir. What a beautiful place!  The mountains are gorgeous right now with all the foliage.  The lodge was a perfect get away because it has a restaurant that does breakfast lunch and dinner, so we didn't have to go find a place to eat, we just stayed at the lodge the whole time and then drove to the lake the next day..... but then again, this is our kind of vacation........a place where there are NO people :)
As I've mentioned in posts before, I'm so grateful for Kade, he is my rock. I don't know what I'd do without him. Life is a roller coaster but the cool thing about roller coasters is they go up and they go down and the momentum all along the way is what keeps it interesting and exciting!  You've got to go down to be able to go up, and you've got to go up to be able to go down! :)  Its awesome to be married to someone who is amazing through both the ups and the downs.  Someone who puts their Heavenly Father first and loves the gospel.  That's what life is all about!  I'm grateful for this life I get to live, and all the joy and sorrow I get to feel!  Its wonderful! :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2015


Meet the the Fairview 4-H club. I'm so excited to be helping assist with the new Fairview horse 4-H club! I remember doing horse 4-h for 7 years and I can say that it changed my life. It taught me how to train my horse, connect with others and have loads of fun on horse back! It also teaches you the value of hard work, persistence,  and doing your very best.  For the horse lover, you can't quite get enough of these beautiful animals and it become a slight addiction :) I'm excited to be able to help kids have this awesome connection and experience with a horse! 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Welcome Spring!

Spring is my absolute favorite time of the year, I love it even more than the fall, hard to believe I know, but I do! The reason I love it so much is because of all the "New" things in life that are coming. The new grass the new baby horses the beginning of a long happy season of sunshine! And one of my other favorite things is the spring flower buds, on the trees. Just beautiful. I kinda relate it to life too, spring is a new beginning, and new beginnings are wonderful! There's so much joy around us, we just have to see it! 

So being spring time, I have been wanting to make a new door hanging that is bright and cheery. I had found this old ugly frame at a yard sale for $1.00,  knowing I would do something with it. Well, this is what it ended up being! I still need to tack down the welcome sign and hang it on the door! Happy Spring time! 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Reflections of 2014

As I look back on 2014, I have to say it was a crazy year. It was a year full of the greatest excitement we've ever known and also the greatest disappointment and sorrow we've yet felt in our married lives together. It was also a year of the refiners fire for me, I've always had a testimony and I would say it's always been continually growing but there have been moments that have felt as though time has stood still.....moments that have taught me so much.

 I have learned a greater compassion for others and have connected with those who have suffered great heartache. I'm truly grateful for the knowledge that we gain from experience, it's unique and individual to each one of us....because our paths of life are all very different.

This year I've also become more attuned to those in life who are victims of circumstance. I feel more often than not, we go through things that will just happen to us completely out of our control. People like foster children who had no say in why they are where they are in their lives, war veterans who were summoned to duty and now live with the repercussions and trauma, people with illnesses or handicaps who had nothing to do with the cause of their health, people who lose dear loved ones and are left to pick up the pieces once again, the list goes on and on! And the thing that I witness the most is often times they continue on with life with smiles on their faces! It's inspiring!

I've also learned the power of HOPE. Sometimes we don't want to "get our hopes up" because dreams may just be shattered in the end anyways(I'm guilty of this).....but there is a spiritual excitement in each one of us that longs to hope, it's healthy and causes joy in our souls! It also sparks the natural desire in us to fight for what we HOPE for.

There's a whole new meaning to me, to the phrase "WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE". Our ultimate dreams are possible through Him because He is a God of miracles, but it's also possible to accept His will if that is something different than yours. It's possible to be completely happy despite our challenges. It's possible to HOPE for the righteous desires of your heart and accept the outcome and will of our Father. This life is a tiny speck in the eternities, but oh how important this tiny speck is, and how it can change the outcome of our eternal lives.

We are excited to see what 2015 will bring! We are so lucky to live in this time where the gospel is spreading throughout the earth and so many wonderful new things are taking place!  We hope that all of you will experience bounteous blessings this upcoming year! HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)