The past week, I've had somewhat of an uneasy feeling, very unlike the rest of my pregnancy where I felt calm and peaceful and excited. I was having a few nightmares, and just some feelings that something may be not right. I ignored them and moved on, and told myself it was just the changes going on right now in my body. To condense the story and exclude some details, I had reason to call my sister-in-law who is a nurse to get some advice. She told me to come in to the office and we could use the Doppler to find the heartbeat just to make sure everything was ok. Meanwhile I called the fertility center, they didn't answer so I left a message. I went to my sister-in-laws work where she tried to find the heartbeat. We tried for about a half hour with no luck. She told me that a lot of times the Doppler isn't strong enough and that we should order an ultrasound. So she did that and I was able to get in about an hour later to do an ultrasound. As I was sitting in the waiting room, the fertility center called back. I told them what was going on with me. The lady told me that it was completely normal to not worry that she wasn't worried and to just get into an OB within a week, that I should be fine. So I felt a little at ease, BUT I still had a feeling that I wanted to get this ultrasound just for my own piece of mind. This is where it gets hard to type. With all the small talk aside the Dr. told me that I was measuring 9 weeks. I knew instantly that something wasn't right because I was 12 weeks 1 day at that point. He then seemed to take forever looking and looking without saying a word. My heart was going crazy as I was watching the screen. I could see the baby's body outline and the arms, legs and head just fine. He then said, "I cannot see a heartbeat. I've tried 3 different ways to be able to see it and I'm just not seeing it. I know that's not what you want to hear. I'm so sorry". I've never felt anything like this. My heart just aches. Its amazing how that little life in you makes such a difference, you can just feel that there is something special that is there. I will miss that.
I was so grateful that my mom offered to take me up north for my appointments that day. There is no way I could have drove myself home that afternoon. She is an angel in my life. She seems to be inspired at the right moments. We cried all the way home together. I will never forget that time with her. I instantly felt the need to go to the temple for peace and maybe a little understanding. When I got home, Kade was about another hour getting home, so it was too late but the next morning we went and did sealings in the temple. It was such a peaceful time. I'm so grateful for that Heavenly place here on earth that we can escape the world. It offers the peace that we truly seek in those difficult times. The spirit is so strong and I feel the veil is so thin that we can feel things that we just can't anywhere else. I'm so grateful for Kade in all of this. It is hard for him too. So much focus is on me, but I know he hurts silently, and I'm so grateful for his support to me in his hard time too. After the temple we hung out all weekend by ourselves, just doing whatever we felt like. We went to church at my moms ward on Sunday just for sacrament, sat in the back and then headed out quickly to avoid talking to people. We have had quite a few visitors over the weekend come to our house, which have actually been really nice and comforting. Its always great to share a hug with someone and feel of their love and concern for you. I really do appreciate that.
So much of me doesn't want to share any of this with anyone, but I know that everyone knew our exciting news and now, its all changed. But I think the biggest thing that I've realized through all this, is that, it was so worth it. All the ups and downs with IVF and all the proceedures, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat just for the chance! It has made me realize how much love people have for you and how they share the burden with you. Its truly amazing. I've also realized that God has a plan for us, we just have to be patient and abide by His time table. That is one thing I've never been good at is having patience and maybe that is something I need to learn better. I also still very much believe in miracles! They do exist! It was a miracle we even got pregnant and that I was able to feel of this sweet little baby's spirit! We've never been pregnant before in the 9 years that we've been married, so just having this experience together has been amazing. I know I will always have this baby throughout the eternities and it will always be with me, my little angel watching over me!
We had a really good time on Sunday just enjoying the mountain and getting away from everything. It was great! The dogs made me laugh, because Daisy is a complete nut! It was her turn to fetch and she is still learning how to swim so her front feet are still very clumsy as she swims, and she just mowed over the stick that she was suppose to find and bring back. She kept swimming past it. We laughed and laughed at her :) I love this little white ball of fur! Her constant happiness makes me happy!
We caught one fish! Which was our dinner Sunday night! It was yummy.
Through this whole ordeal, everyone has really blown me away at their kindness. It has truly comforted my soul. People have texted, visited, called, brought flowers, cried with us and prayed for us. There is so much love that we have felt and we truly appreciate it! My brother, that lived with me for a couple years is such a rock in my life. We grew so close while he lived with me. He is such a special person to me. When he found out the news, he searched and searched through about 50 poems and this is the one that he loved, and thought would be the best to send to me. He was SO right! It is PERFECT and states EXACTLY HOW I FEEL about this precious little soul.
I truly want to thank everyone for being so kind through all of this. It has meant the world to us. We have so much hope in the future! We know things will work out for us! We have faith and know that all is well. We love you all!
